Finding the one: You are the problem
Dating in today's world can be a very difficult task, if you can even call it dating. I have grown up where it is totally normal to "hangout" with someone. It's supposed to be a way to get to know someone without having to commit to a full fledged DATE. Dating can be, well, I think we have all had bad experiences with dating.
I can remember going to homecoming my senior year of high school. It started to go downhill at dinner when my date's debit card was declined (luckily he brought cash to pay for the dinner). We had to stop at an ATM so he could withdraw the money so he could pay for the rest of the date and proceeds to tell me how much money was in his checking account.. (So awkward). Anyway, we then set off for the haunted forest. I was really excited because I really enjoy Halloween and going through haunted houses. Little did I know that my date hated them and gets terrified by anything that could pop out at him at any moment in time. So we make it to the forest and my date is constantly running away from the people dressed up as zombies and running away from me as well. As he is hanging on to my friend, this girl dressed up like the girl from "The Ring" comes crawling at us and he shimmies down her body and falls to the ground. I can't believe what is happening right in front of me and I have no idea what to do with my date. He jumps off the ground and runs away from the Ring girl and we continue our journey through the haunted forest.
Now this next part, I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but then I would by lying. So we come up to this corner and this lady pops out at my date to scare him. Well he decides to pull one of those ultimate punches from the movie "Hot Rod" and completely kick this lady right in the gut and knocks the wind right out of her! (If you don't know what the ultimate punch is, I provided you the link http://imgur.com/gallery/nt0mKed) So at this point, I'm praying that this forest is coming to an end soon and that he doesn't have anyone else to beat up. Thank goodness it ended shortly after. I will never forget the lady coming up to us after we made it through and telling us that she had never been kicked before and how bad she had been hurt. I felt so bad for that poor lady.
Anyway, I just wanted to bring up one idea that John Van Epp came up with and it is called the relationship attachment model or RAM. Each of the five listed words below are ways you become attached to a person. Notice that each of the bars from left to right are higher than the next. This model demonstrates that we should not trust a person more than we know them. We shouldn't rely on them more than we trust them, etc. If we build our relationships the way the model demonstrates, we are considered in the safe zone. When we are in the safe zone, our relationship can develop in a healthy way and we can grow our relationship with stability.
So often we have our touch meter higher than the other aspects of our relationships. This can cause a lot of problems in the future. We can feel insecure in our feelings of how committed our partner is to us. We may feel like we don't trust them very much, and ultimately this can lead us to feel like we don't know them as well as we thought we did. I think of my past relationships and how I didn't follow the way the model should be followed. I think of my relationship with my husband and I see how we followed this model and how well our relationship has turned out. I know this model works. If you don't think it will work for you, I say to give it a try and see how your relationship changes.
I can remember going to homecoming my senior year of high school. It started to go downhill at dinner when my date's debit card was declined (luckily he brought cash to pay for the dinner). We had to stop at an ATM so he could withdraw the money so he could pay for the rest of the date and proceeds to tell me how much money was in his checking account.. (So awkward). Anyway, we then set off for the haunted forest. I was really excited because I really enjoy Halloween and going through haunted houses. Little did I know that my date hated them and gets terrified by anything that could pop out at him at any moment in time. So we make it to the forest and my date is constantly running away from the people dressed up as zombies and running away from me as well. As he is hanging on to my friend, this girl dressed up like the girl from "The Ring" comes crawling at us and he shimmies down her body and falls to the ground. I can't believe what is happening right in front of me and I have no idea what to do with my date. He jumps off the ground and runs away from the Ring girl and we continue our journey through the haunted forest.
Now this next part, I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but then I would by lying. So we come up to this corner and this lady pops out at my date to scare him. Well he decides to pull one of those ultimate punches from the movie "Hot Rod" and completely kick this lady right in the gut and knocks the wind right out of her! (If you don't know what the ultimate punch is, I provided you the link http://imgur.com/gallery/nt0mKed) So at this point, I'm praying that this forest is coming to an end soon and that he doesn't have anyone else to beat up. Thank goodness it ended shortly after. I will never forget the lady coming up to us after we made it through and telling us that she had never been kicked before and how bad she had been hurt. I felt so bad for that poor lady.
Anyway, I just wanted to bring up one idea that John Van Epp came up with and it is called the relationship attachment model or RAM. Each of the five listed words below are ways you become attached to a person. Notice that each of the bars from left to right are higher than the next. This model demonstrates that we should not trust a person more than we know them. We shouldn't rely on them more than we trust them, etc. If we build our relationships the way the model demonstrates, we are considered in the safe zone. When we are in the safe zone, our relationship can develop in a healthy way and we can grow our relationship with stability.
So often we have our touch meter higher than the other aspects of our relationships. This can cause a lot of problems in the future. We can feel insecure in our feelings of how committed our partner is to us. We may feel like we don't trust them very much, and ultimately this can lead us to feel like we don't know them as well as we thought we did. I think of my past relationships and how I didn't follow the way the model should be followed. I think of my relationship with my husband and I see how we followed this model and how well our relationship has turned out. I know this model works. If you don't think it will work for you, I say to give it a try and see how your relationship changes.
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